Description
If you’re someone who’s comfortable being quiet in the presence of others, you might have noticed that your tendency to remain quiet drives some people crazy. You probably know how annoying it is to find out that someone doesn’t like you simply because you don’t speak as much as they would like you to.
Well in this article, I’m gonna share a few ideas that might help you understand the mentality of the people who feel the need to ask, “Why are you so quiet?” And hopefully, help the people asking this question to understand the quite ones a bit more as well.
WHY ARE YOU SO QUIET?
Dude, nothing pisses me off more than when somebody's like, why are you so quiet? Why are you so shy? Why don't you talk? Why aren't you talking that much? — Hey, I'm not really that shy. Maybe I just don't want to talk to you. Maybe you're like not a welcoming person to talk to. Maybe I don't feel comfortable around you.
Maybe you're just not my cup of tea. Maybe I never want to see you again. Or maybe you're just like, this is the worst. When you're in like a group of people, like three or four or five people, everybody's talking, having like a conversation. They're like, why are you so quiet? Why aren't you, why aren't you talking?
It's like, you guys are all talking. You guys are using up all the airspace, all you diarrhea mouths. What am I, when am I, when can I talk? Am I supposed to interrupt you guys, you loudmouths? What am I supposed to do? Like, I was on a, I was on like a double date thing a while back, and uh, this girl's, this girl's talking like about her body count, and about like, details about dudes she's hooked up with, and then looks at me and goes, why are you so quiet?
Dude, wha, wha, why? Would I ever want to talk to you again? Why, why do you think, dude, you're, you're, you're not a human being that I want to interact with. You're talking about your body count on like a first date? Are you.. What, dude? I'm not shy, you're just unbearable. Maybe I'm just appalled about the graphic details of this guy's genitals that you're telling me about over lasagna… What!?
SUMMARY
Anthony expresses strong frustration over being frequently asked why he is quiet or shy. He suggests that his silence might be due to not finding the other person welcoming or comfortable to talk to, rather than being inherently shy. His main point is that his quietness is a reaction to the behavior of others, not a personal trait.
THINGS TO CONSIDER
In this video clip, Anthony talks about his frustration with the all-too-common question that we get from people who are uncomfortable with silence; “Why are you so quiet?” — And this question gives us some interesting things to think about.
From a very young age, I realized that a lot of people tend to take my silence as an insult or an indication that I’m angry, arrogant, or that I have a problem with them personally.
I’ve been in multiple situations where somebody wanted to physically fight me simply because I wasn’t giving them the attention and “respect” they felt they deserved. — Saying things like:
“Why (do) you always got an attitude?”
“Why do you think you’re better than everyone?”
“You think you’re too good to talk to us?”
And one of those interactions actually turned into a fist fight…
Which leads me to some of the most important things to consider when thinking about this clip…
Preference for Selective Interaction
Anthony suggests he might not want to talk because he doesn’t find the other person welcoming or comfortable to interact with. Which indicates that he’s selective about the people he chooses to engage with based on how comfortable he feels with them and his perception of their overall demeanor.
You might remember the story from episode #86 when I told you about a conversation I had at the bar a while back. I told the woman I was talking to that I like introverted women who enjoy making conversation. And she said, “But introverts don’t like talking to people.” To which I responded, “Yes, we do. It’s just that we tend to enjoy it under different circumstances or with particular people.”
And this is something that so many people misunderstand about introverts or anyone who simply chooses not to be social at any given time. — It’s as if some people literally can’t fathom the idea that they are someone who people don’t want to interact with… or that someone would prefer to spend time alone… or that different people feel comfortable speaking openly in different situations. They’re incapable of stepping outside of themselves, their city, their country, or their culture.. and considering the idea that there are people in this world who have different personalities or behavior patterns.
It All Started with The Community
As for the negative reaction to people who tend to be quiet, I think it makes sense on some level if we look at it from an evolutionary perspective. We evolved to be social creatures… we exist within families, and families exist within communities, which exist within cities, states, and countries. — But to keep things simple, let’s focus on the community level, which encompasses everyone you know and identify with.
In my opinion, part of what enables a community exist and function properly is a set of well-established and enforced rules that everyone respects. And we’re not just talking about things like murder is wrong, no drinking and driving, and no robbing banks. Within a community there are also rules for the way one should communicate and interact with others. Anyone who’s traveled to a foreign country, (or even just the other side of their city) knows that even if everyone’s speaking the same language, it doesn’t mean you’re living life by the same rules. In other words, it doesn’t mean you identify with or represent the same community.
No Outsiders
Which leads me to the next thing that enables a functioning community; no outsiders.
There are many reasons that human beings evolved to be so tribal, but there are 2 that I find particularly interesting…
In-group Bias and Out-group Hostility: Human evolution fostered in-group bias, where individuals prefer and are more cooperative with those who are perceived as part of their group. This bias likely evolved because cooperating with in-group members enhanced survival chances. Conversely (on the other hand), out-group hostility can be seen as a mechanism to protect the tribe’s resources and genetic interests. Strangers or members of other tribes were often viewed as competitors or threats, potentially bringing disease, theft, or physical confrontation.
Identity and Symbolism: Tribes often developed unique identities through languages, rituals, and symbols. These identifiers strengthened cohesion within the group and further differentiated them from outsiders. These differences could lead to xenophobia or ethnocentrism, where foreign customs and appearances were mistrusted or devalued.
And I think this is at least part of the reason that so many people have such hostile, and frankly, primitive reactions to people who they view as different, whatever different may mean to them.
If you come from an environment where speaking to people being social is a sign of respect, it’s understandable that you would be offended by someone who seems to be uninterested or even ignoring you.. because he would be violating one of the social rules you were taught to follow.. and if that’s the case, he must be an outsider.. and if he’s an outsider, then he must be a threat.. he can’t be trusted. — And whenever we feel threatened, we’ll only do 1 of 2 things: attack or run away; or in the context of social interactions, attack or socially exclude.
Nobles & Peasants
I think this same tribal mentality is found in countries that have been colonized by others.
In countries as the USA, Brazil, and Mexico, the colonial powers often established rigid class systems. These systems were designed to maintain control and ensure the dominance of the colonizers over the indigenous populations and later, over slaves and other people of lower economic classes.
The divide between nobles (or the upper class) and peasants (or the lower class) created a social environment where the upper classes often literally and figuratively looked down upon the lower classes. So it’s easy for me to imagine that this historical context would have an effect on the way people think today. The poor often perceive the rich as stiff or disrespectful.. similar to the way the peasants perceived the nobles.
I think this is why it’s so common to hear questions like, "What, you think you're too good to talk to us?" — We could loosely translate this question to, “Are an outsider or something?”
If you think about it that way, you might be able to understand such a primitive reaction in modern times… It’s engrained in our very nature as human beings.
There Will Always Be Weaklings
It’s also important to mention that there are also some people who simply have a desperate need to feel big and important. Regardless of what they look like or where they come from, they’re the kind of people who have overestimated their importance to such a degree that they think everyone owes them time, attention, and admiration. So if you’re one of the people who can’t be bothered to give it to them, they’ll feel offended and start to obsess over the fact that they feel small or even invisible around you. — It’s pure insecurity that they don’t know how to deal with, so they project it onto you… And that’s just not your problem. That’s a problem to be solved with therapy or meditation on a mountain top.
WHAT’S THE POINT?
Everyone communicates in their own way
💡 When in a group setting, Anthony feels overshadowed by others who dominate the conversation, describing these individuals as "using up all the airspace" and labeling them "loudmouths."
This is a nice reminder of the fact that some people don’t feel comfortable jumping into a conversation and cutting people off. Some people feel they need an invitation before joining a group. Some people won’t speak until spoken to. Some people don’t want to speak openly with everyone they meet. It doesn’t mean that they’re shy, arrogant, cold, or uninterested… they’ve just come to develop a different way of engaging with people. Understanding and respecting this can save you a lot of frustration, and possibly even help you cultivate more friendships.
Asking vs Questioning
💡 The repeated questioning of his quietness leads Anthony to defensively clarify that he’s not inherently shy but rather selectively engaging based on the context and the people involved.
What I’d like you to consider is that oftentimes what you say is not nearly as important as how you say it. Being curious and wanting to know more about the reason someone behaves in a particular way is natural and generally positive. However, there are more and less effective ways to go about getting to know someone.
Scenario: Meeting New Colleagues at a Work Conference
Background: You’re at a work conference with all of your colleagues. One of them is particularly introverted, and during a break, he prefers to sit quietly in a corner to recharge (his social battery).
Questioning His Behavior: You see your introverted colleague, you approach him, in front of a few others, and say rather loudly, "Why are you sitting all by yourself over here? You don’t wanna talk to us? It seems like you're not really making an effort to network to anyone."
Impact: This type of questioning puts your colleague on the defensive. It assumes negative reasons for his behavior and makes it public, potentially leading to embarrassment or discomfort. The phrasing suggests that there is something wrong with wanting some quiet time, and it puts pressure on him to justify his perfectly normal need for a break.
A More Positive Approach: Asking to Know More
Asking to Know More: You approach the same colleague, sit down nearby, and gently ask, "Mind if I join you for a bit? I sometimes find these events a bit overwhelming and like to take a quiet moment. How are you finding the conference so far?"
Impact: This approach is inviting and empathetic. It opens up a space for shared experiences and understanding without making assumptions about his behavior. It’s framed positively and provides an opportunity for a genuine connection, allowing him to share his feelings comfortably if he chooses to.
Alternatively, instead of saying “Why are you sitting by yourself?” or “You don’t wanna talk to us?”
You could say, “Hey, you wanna sit with us?” “Hey, come join us!” “You’re welcome to join us if you want.”
This example highlights how the tone, context, and choice of words in our inquiries can either alienate others or draw them into a more meaningful interaction. And this is why in a recent episode I talked about learning what it really means to be welcoming to those around you, and not just to the ones who act and talk like you.
Discomfort with Inappropriate Topics
💡 Anthony recounts a negative experience on a double date where a person shared too much personal information, specifically about sexual encounters, which made him uncomfortable.
The only thing I’ll say about this is that it’s just another example of why self-awareness is so important. If you ever find yourself asking a complete stranger, “Why are you so quiet?” — you can take that as a clear indication that it’s time to work on your social skills.